I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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