I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
