If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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