Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
