I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
