it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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