I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
