So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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