not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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