have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
