I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize