i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
