my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
