I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Never underestimate the power of titties
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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