So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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