Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
