your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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