can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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