Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
