We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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