I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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