Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
