the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
