we have pet lesbian snakes
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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