I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
whose parrot is this?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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