i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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