This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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