Michael Bay diarrhea
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
