just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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