Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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