we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
