chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
