My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
