He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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