i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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