put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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