Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
