8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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