I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize