The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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