I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize