i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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