My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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