Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
