Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize