I want to make a zoo with you.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
