Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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