i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
