...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
