i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
