You can't special order awesome
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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