Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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