i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
