The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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