If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
