dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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