when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize