3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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