I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
